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It's not your kids we hate. It's you.
Aug. 12th, 2003 09:16 pmAfter reading an article on the conflict between "Child Free" and "Child Burdened" people in America, I must say that I find both sides of the conflict appalling. I, myself, am childfree and live in a neighborhood with plenty of kids. I don't hate them or anything. In fact, sometimes their play is fun to watch. I don't mind paying property taxes to support our schools because I want my neighbor's kids to grow into the sort of young men and women I will want to live among when I am older. Heck, if Saint Paul ever puts a school referendum on the ballot that isn't semantically equivalent to "we, um, need money for, um, stuff," I might even vote for it. Of course, living in such a neighborhood means I have to enforce boundaries. It means that when I see a kid drop something on my lawn I want that kid's respect when I tell him to pick it up. But kids have less and less reason to respect adults today. And that is the primary beef that many Child Free have with parents.
My father had scars on his shin. One day I asked him how this happened. The story goes something like this. He and some buddies had clambered over a fence and was stealing melons and the farmer came out and shot at them with a pellet gun. My father let the druggist tend his wounds (his mother cringed at the sight of blood) and didn't dare complain to his parents because they would have asked why the farmer had shot at him and upon learning the truth would have subjected him to further discipline. If this scenario were to play out today, the farmer would be facing a lawsuit and jail time.
Now I'm not saying I want the right to shoot at the neighbor's kids if they get into the vegetable patch, but I also want to know that I can expect backup from the kids' parents if I find them in the vegetable patch. Too often children are told that the authority of other adults, especially childfree adults, is irrelevant. Children are going to stray, and not always under their parents' gaze. Children need to know that when an adult speaks, it is with authority. Parents who undermine that authority by, say, suing a school that suspends their kidlings for subjecting their underclassmen to physical abuse, become hated by those of us who are child free. To us, that is emblematic of the problem with parents today.
As for work inequities, yes, those of us who are child free may have to pick up the slack if a working parent needs to attend to a kid. I have dealt with this by keeping mental note of this and calling in favors when I need them. For example, when my mate and I moved into our new house from our apartment, we were exhausted and had the truck only half loaded. My co-worker who had recently become a single parent (by divorcing an absolute loser of a woman), and for whom I had provided much coverage, lent me his teenage son. That boy moved more stuff in 30 minutes than we had in 3 hours. Of course his father was the sort who ensured that his kids grew up with notions of accountability, responsibility, and community service.
The other major area of contention is around entertainment. Young children in expensive restaurants or at events not targeted at children irritates us for a number of reasons. The first and foremost is that adults, even parents, need kid-free time and space so that they can talk about adult things without needing to censor themselves. This could be anything from politics to philosophy. Parents who do not understand this are failing to acknowledge their boundaries, their kids' boundaries, and the boundaries of other adults as well. These are the same parents who will raise children who are either extremely dependent or sociopathic because the children were raised with no sense of boundaries. And it can't be fun for the kids to have to wait forever for a meal that, in all likelihood, is not going to be to their tastes. If you can't get a sitter, Red Lobster will be a more enjoyable experience for the family than La Mingotiere, and the kid would certainly rather see "Harry Potter" than "The Piano" (heck, so would I). So ultimately, even in the entertainment venue, I think that parents who truly respect their kids, will take them on outings that are age-appropriate, and leave them with a sitter when they want to do something that is not appropriate for the kids. My parents understood this concept, why don't today's parents understand it?
And that is it in a nutshell. Too many of today's parents think that parenting means that they get to live the same life they had pre-kid, just with the kid in tow. And that is why we who are childfree feel justified in accusing them of selfishness. Because they want their kids, but they do not want to give up any of the bits of the childfree lifestyle that their parents gave up to raise them. And the result is that the kids get dragged into venues where the kid is unhappy and, as kids will, shares the joy.
My father had scars on his shin. One day I asked him how this happened. The story goes something like this. He and some buddies had clambered over a fence and was stealing melons and the farmer came out and shot at them with a pellet gun. My father let the druggist tend his wounds (his mother cringed at the sight of blood) and didn't dare complain to his parents because they would have asked why the farmer had shot at him and upon learning the truth would have subjected him to further discipline. If this scenario were to play out today, the farmer would be facing a lawsuit and jail time.
Now I'm not saying I want the right to shoot at the neighbor's kids if they get into the vegetable patch, but I also want to know that I can expect backup from the kids' parents if I find them in the vegetable patch. Too often children are told that the authority of other adults, especially childfree adults, is irrelevant. Children are going to stray, and not always under their parents' gaze. Children need to know that when an adult speaks, it is with authority. Parents who undermine that authority by, say, suing a school that suspends their kidlings for subjecting their underclassmen to physical abuse, become hated by those of us who are child free. To us, that is emblematic of the problem with parents today.
As for work inequities, yes, those of us who are child free may have to pick up the slack if a working parent needs to attend to a kid. I have dealt with this by keeping mental note of this and calling in favors when I need them. For example, when my mate and I moved into our new house from our apartment, we were exhausted and had the truck only half loaded. My co-worker who had recently become a single parent (by divorcing an absolute loser of a woman), and for whom I had provided much coverage, lent me his teenage son. That boy moved more stuff in 30 minutes than we had in 3 hours. Of course his father was the sort who ensured that his kids grew up with notions of accountability, responsibility, and community service.
The other major area of contention is around entertainment. Young children in expensive restaurants or at events not targeted at children irritates us for a number of reasons. The first and foremost is that adults, even parents, need kid-free time and space so that they can talk about adult things without needing to censor themselves. This could be anything from politics to philosophy. Parents who do not understand this are failing to acknowledge their boundaries, their kids' boundaries, and the boundaries of other adults as well. These are the same parents who will raise children who are either extremely dependent or sociopathic because the children were raised with no sense of boundaries. And it can't be fun for the kids to have to wait forever for a meal that, in all likelihood, is not going to be to their tastes. If you can't get a sitter, Red Lobster will be a more enjoyable experience for the family than La Mingotiere, and the kid would certainly rather see "Harry Potter" than "The Piano" (heck, so would I). So ultimately, even in the entertainment venue, I think that parents who truly respect their kids, will take them on outings that are age-appropriate, and leave them with a sitter when they want to do something that is not appropriate for the kids. My parents understood this concept, why don't today's parents understand it?
And that is it in a nutshell. Too many of today's parents think that parenting means that they get to live the same life they had pre-kid, just with the kid in tow. And that is why we who are childfree feel justified in accusing them of selfishness. Because they want their kids, but they do not want to give up any of the bits of the childfree lifestyle that their parents gave up to raise them. And the result is that the kids get dragged into venues where the kid is unhappy and, as kids will, shares the joy.
